I used to think being a people pleaser wasn’t much of a bad thing until I realized this habit was the reason many of my relationships with men have failed.
Let me explain…
I am a reformed people pleaser!
Some time ago, I’ve acknowledged this habit, which is not a healthy habit to have when you’re dating someone without a keen sense of recognizing efforts to make them happy. I’m engaged to a wonderful man who deserves every effort I put into our relationship because he puts in just as much effort, if not MORE! Before I met him, it was clear that I was struggling to find “the one” who would reciprocate my efforts. Looking back, I see now that I was defining my worth, based on how much a man would be receptive to my pleasing him. So, the more I did for him, the more I was trying to convince him that I was “wifey”.
I used to overexert myself, bending over backward for men because I felt the more I did for them, the more they’d love me. Boy! Was I delusional! A guy I was dating for about a month mentioned needing to pick up his dry cleaning one day, but the pick-up time conflicted with his schedule. I offered to pick up his dry cleaning. Not saying there’s anything wrong with that. However, I realized, a lot of this “people-pleasing” in my relationships were things wives typically would do.
I was TOO willing, TOO available, and TOO accessible to men who didn’t see my worth or didn’t care to!
After the disaster of the last situationship, I had to reevaluate why I kept dating the same kind of man. It dawned on me that maybe the problem was not dating “the same man” but maybe, I was the common denominator because I went into every relationship with pre-conceived notions and premature ideas of a committed relationship. Also high expectations, as well as a lack of self-love. I went into these relationships with the need to please these men into committing to me.
After some much-needed reflection and soul-searching, I gave up dating for two years and in those two years, I focused on me. I had to dig deep within, only to discover that my need to please these men or be a people pleaser in general, was because I needed people to genuinely like me. In true honesty, I wasn’t liking myself. In fact, I didn’t love myself as I thought I did. I needed validation from men who I gave my body to because they saw me at my most vulnerable. In general, I needed people to like me, because I used to have a difficult time figuring out what makes me special. I couldn’t find the answer. So, I had to do what I needed to do to get answers from others. As a result, I did a lot for others…even against my better judgment and fear of disproval, rejection, and confrontation.
I started focusing on me and my spiritual/personal growth by implementing self-care and self-love methods that would strengthen my confidence, which would allow me the answer I seek as to why I am special. My journey has taught me that I AM VALUABLE, A GODDESS, AND MY ENERGY AND EFFORT MUST BE EARNED.
My fiance definitely earned my Goddess-like energy, as well as my effort to please him because he truly deserves it. According to him, he already knew how much of a Goddess I am and how special I am once he first laid eyes on me.
I can’t wait to be his wifey 🙂